Developing Passion

When I first got interested in Passion  I started looking around me and wondering why some people were able to put one foot in front of the other and accomplish their goals, live their dreams and seem happy while others of us really struggled to even know what we wanted. I heard Christine Kloser speak on living consciously and spiritual entrepreneur. What she meant, and what I had never encountered before, was what we call being in alignment. I thought, what if I take what she’s teaching, make it my own and teach it as a yoga workshop.

I knew that authenticity had to be a cornerstone. I could not be the best Me if I wasn’t focusing on who me was. So I creathed the Authenticity and Wholeness workshop. And that served me well,  but there was still a disconnect.

I heard Janet Atw00d talk about passion. And I got fired up. Cause I thought Passion, that makes sense. You can’t be authentic for the sake of authenticity. There has to be a reason, a payoff. Passion was the reason to be authentic. When I get real, I get what I want in life.

I heard Brene Brown talk about authenticity, wholeheartedness and connection. It all made sense. I got her book, The Gift Of Imperfection. I was excited and yet, I felt like something was missing.

It was. They were intellectualizing. And that’s not a bad place to start, but I felt that for what they were sharing to work in my life it had to be about what I think about, what I feel and how I feel. It had to be about body, mind and spirit. If it did not connect in that way for me it was just going to be another theory. It was going to end up in the back of my mind and not be the guiding forvce to help me be the best Melissa I can be.

So, I took what I’d learned about authenticity, I read, I researched and I listened about Passion and took what I knew about the mat kind of yoga practice, about what I’d learned in Unity about wisualization, growing intention and attention. I got on the mat and I got quiet. I wrote and journald, practiced and meditated and I put together Passion Yoga Workshop.

And we got clear about what we wanted and we talked about how to incorporate those desires into our lives as our lives stood now.  I knew that this had to be immediate. We couldn’t wait to heave our best lives until we lost 20 pounds or when the kids were grown. So we talked about What Can I Do Today that changes my life. What Can I Do Today that brings me more happiness, more passion, more balance and more joy.

And I walked away feeling pretty good. But I still felt there was something  missing. And I was struggling with it in my own life so it was pretty easy to pinpoint. Okay, so I’m clear about what I want. Okay, so I’m bringing aspects of my perfect life into my present life. Okay,  so what? Cause now my marriage is falling apart and my mom has cancer and my bank account is empty, so now what?

And I knew that I needeed to focus on what was really driving me every single day. And I needed to develop ways to keep myself motivated. I needed to have a network of support, a cadre of roadmaps to keep me on track because face it, life gets in the way of our living sometimes.

So I created Passion Yoga Workshop II. And I was fired up and excited and crazy happy. And I wanted to shout from the rooftops. I wanted to share and travel and learn and lecture and write.

And then I got scared. I got really scared and I stopped being excited and just was scared. And I had health problems and relationship problems and crises of faith issues.

And I was a living example of WHY we need passion  and I knew that I had to step forward, belive in my own worthiness and belonging. I had to believe in my right to live authentically, wholely and passionately and do what was driving me. Cause if I didn’t, well I don’t know what was going to happen to me, but I also knew I didn’t want to find out.

So today it isn’t perfect, but there is a lot of progress. Today I wake up with a sense of purpose and I know that when I wake up feeling lost or scared, it’s time for me to get on the mat and then if it still don’t feel like jumping in my car and following my dream, then it’s time to call someone who reminds me who Melissa is. 

So this year is very exciting for me. This is the year that I step back from teaching the regular classes so much and teach more workshops, cause they are truly my passion. I actually have a regular paycheck, cause it’s been a looong time. I teach specialty classes. I travel and write. This is the year the Melissa isn’t afraid of being Melissa.

Next post Five Tips to Stay Inspired

 

Accepting the new normal

Life is change. Change is inevitable.

We all know that right? We know that no matter how hard we try to hold on to right now, it’s going to slip through our fingers and then the change will occur almost like we weren’t watching.

I felt this so acutely when my firstborn was a baby. I’d finally understand what she wanted, where she was coming from, what that cry meant. I’d be self-satisfied for about six hours and then she’d do something amazing like rollover, smile or pick up her pacifier and then it was a new game.

And that’s how parenting has been for the last 15 years. Every single time I think I get it, something changes. There’s progress or she learns how to throw a tantrum or she finally learns to stop whining.

But here’s what parenting taught me. It taught me in very real, every day ways, that life is full of change. And I never, not once, got mad at my daughter for learning to walk. I never discouraged my son from his first words. I welcomed the change. I was grateful for it. I recognized that things were occuring as they were supposed to. Sometimes I even awaited those changes eagerly. They assured me that my children were normal, that the natural order of development was in place.

Why then, why oh why, do I resist it in so many other areas of my life? Why do I resist the natural order? Every time I think that I’ve got a handle on life, that I understand my purpose, that I think I can put it on cruise control something shifts. And it’s not all bad. But it’s almost always hard.

The universe always gives me a way to work on accepting change. And instead of thinking of it as change I’ve begun to think of it as the new normal. My friend Linda used this phrase a lot when her mom was diagnosed with dementia. The new normal gives me a way of letting go of the past and not lamenting the change. It gives me a way to happily anticipate what the world offers instead of resisting.

Last week I had a car accident, not so great. But I got x-rays which showed that my neck is fine. Great. Because I’d been really worried about some pain and was resigned to having something major that I needed to take care of. Turns out that I’m mismanaging my stress and it’s manifesting in major pain. Not so great, but great because I can change that. I also got x-rays on my wrist and thumb. And I have a sprain. That’s okay because it will go away and I’ll be fine. No lasting damage. I also found out I have mild arthritis in my thumb. Not so great because it means the pain I’ve been feeling for the better part of a year, that I’ve been telling myself is getting better and will go away, is not going away and will someday get worse, and will someday possibly stop me from practicing and teaching yoga. Okay, maybe I’m being a little dramatic because people in wheelchairs teach yoga. But it’s the new normal. And I’m having trouble accepting it.

But here’s how this development fits into the rest of my life perfectly. For a few months now I’ve been wanting to cut back on my week to week classes and focus on special events and workshops. I’ve yearned to write more, but I’ve always been shy about my writing and wasn’t sure what direction that was going to take.

So before the accident a series of wonderful things happened that asked me to accept change.. A friend asked me to work on her book with her.  And then a friend asked me to volunteer to teach writing for women in recovery. And then I got wonderful feedback about my teaching. I was excited, invigorated and inspired. I was also scared because I just couldn’t figure out how to make it all fit. I couldn’t face the affirmations I was getting from the universe so I spent a little bit of time freaking out. But not for long because BAM, I got rear-ended and the universe gave me something else to think about.

When I step back from the details and look at the big picture I remember to work on acceptance. I remember that acceptance means respecting myself and those around me. I remember that I’m right where I’m supposed to be and all the people around me are right where they’re supposed to be.

I’m learning to smile the moment I wake up and ask the universe, “Ok, what’s today got for me.”

Sometimes Your Best Is Not Good Enough

I’m doing my best, I’m doing my best, I’m doing my best. Sometimes those words reverberate through my head. I have to remind myself because my perfectionistic little brain doesn’t see any of the good things I feel or do. Instead I consistenly focus on what I didn’t get finished, what I’m not feeling or what I didn’t even get started. I drive myself crazy. Imagine, Melissa, driving herself crazy.

I know that I’m my own biggest obstacle. I know that if I can step away from perfectionism I’d probably be a lot happier. I would have a new level of peace. A quieter brain could actually accomplish a lot more. And it’s not like I don’t try. This brain has meditated, been medicated, been through therapy, been through support groups. I’ve tried. I really have. And when I’m really really honest with myself, I remember that I don’t do half bad.

My brain is okay. For me. I sleep through the night, think through my decisions, don’t indulge in too much denial, can think my way through a crossword puzzle, am not overly judgmental, am nice, am smart, can be charming, read a lot, know when not to think too much. I’m doing okay. But as we all do, I still criticize myself. I don’t even think I criticize more than most of us, but I do recognize that sometimes the level of criticism is not what I want to have the life that I want.

So I work on it. A lot.

But recently I had a completely different experience with that phrase. And because of that experience I’ve noticed how much people use that phrase as an excuse. I’m doing my best is not supposed to justify dropping the ball. I’m doing my best is not an excuse. If you’re saying I’m doing my best to get off the hook there’s a problem.

I had a friend, we’ll call her Tara, who would tell me she’d be at dinner with the group, not call, not show and apologize lamely. Never really apologizing.  She’d say she’d show up  at 10, but not really be there till 11:30, with no explanation and looking like she just rolled out of bed. Unfortunately, our friendship turned into a professional relationship. And I know, that was my biggest mistake. But I erroneously assumed that her personal issues wouldn’t leak into her professional life. Because she’s a business owner too and I trusted that she would have professional integrity. 

And we finally talked about it and I told her I wasn’t comfortable doing business with her anymore, she tearfully told me she was doing her best. And I thought, that’s nice, but it doesn’t really matter. Now, I didn’t say that, but I wanted to. I wanted to say you’re best isn’t acceptable. At least not to me.

It sounds harsh and I’ve avoided saying things like that most of my life, but the reality is sometimes your best is not good enough. And in this particular circumstance I felt that I’d waited around for her long enough, made enough excuses for her and been disappointed enough. When she would apologize I’d assume it meant that the behavior wouldn’t repeat itself so I said it was okay. I’d say we all have tough days. Or I understand. Because I do. I understand how hard life can be at times and she seemed to have it very hard. But she apologized and repeated the behaviors over and over and I just had to step away from it.

Rather than acepting that she’d behaved badly, understanding that she’d been hurtful and neglectful of our relationship, she got angry. She attacked and told me all the things that I’d done wrong. And I didn’t deny any of them. I accepted my part and waited for her to accept her part, But she didn’t. She just said I’m doing my best.  And she said it over and over. As if saying it enough would make me change my mind.  As if doing her best made it okay.

It doesn’t. Doing your best doesn’t make it okay. Sometimes I have to recogize that my best isn’t enough. I have to accept that I need new skills or better tools to make my best acceptable. Sometimes it’s just more time. I’m not ready for a new challenge. And so I work on myself. A lot.

I don’t expect other people to do the work I do. I don’t expect other people to be like me. I don’t even judge. I don’t make assessments of who people are based on my experience. I know about my experience and that’s all I know. But I also know that based on my experience I don’t have to accept bad behavior because it’s someone’s best. And I don’t expect other people to accept my best when it’s not up to par.

One of the toughest things I’ve done in life is accept myself the way I am. I struggle with it and work on it all the time. The second toughest thing is accepting other people the way they are. And the third is recognizing that while I accept who they are, I don’t have to accept them in my life.

Cause I’m doing my best, and that’s hard enough by itself.

People tell you who they are

People tell you who they are. Most people have patterns of behavior, repetitive habits that they usually tell us about. People tell us stories about how other people have done them wrong. How, other people didn’t understand. How other people behaved badly. They so rarely tell us about their part, though. Except, they do.

By telling us about the patterns in their relationships they tell us about their own behaviors. That girlfriend who always ends up with guys who cheat? The best  friend who always dates guys that can’t commit and break his heart? The uncle who makes bad business deal after bad business deal? Those aren’t accidents. We have patterns too. We have habits. We just don’t like to talk about ours. We talk about other people and we always complain that we didn’t see it coming. Which is really ridiculous. First of all we knew it was coming because they’re our patterns. Unless we make a conscious effort we’re bringing the same people into our lives over and over. If I’m attracted to someone new for the same reasons I was attracted to the last person chances are this situation is going to end much the same as the last. But more importantly we saw it coming because people tell us who they are.

A good college friend told me that a long time ago. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn the lesson then. I couldn’t just hear it and believe it. I had to learn the hard way. Of course. I wouldn’t be Melissa if I just learned things the easy way.

This year I was given two opportunities to learn to listen to people when they tell me who they are. And of course, this is all written in hindsight, so I didn’t get it when the opportunities arrived. To be honest I’ve probably been given opportunities to learn this one my whole life.

So, I had to work on it AGAIN. I had some drama.  And in the middle of the first drama with (let’s call her) Tracy,  I heard a new friend say it. Carrie said it in a group of friends and we all nodded and acted like we knew what she was saying. “People really always tell you who they are. Most of them aren’t even sneaky about it. They just right out and tell you. And we don’t listen.” And I thought she was so wise and I thought,  “Wow, that’s so true.” People tell us who they are.

But I actually didn’t hear Carrie when she said it, because I didn’t recognize that I was in the middle of a situation where I had been told exactly what I was dealing with. And I didn’t remember my old college friend saying the exact same thing 20 years earlier. So how well could I have been listening?

There seems to be a pattern, huh?

See,  I trusted, but I shouldn’t have because Tracy had a pattern and I knew about the pattern, but I wanted to believe that this time was different, that I was different, that our relationship was different. And of course, it wasn’t. Because people tell you who they are. Tracy had very few old friends, mostly new friends and she’d only been in town a short while. That should have been a big red flag. And especially for me because I really value my old friends. I have friendships that span 20-30 years and friendships that are only 5 years old, but having that history is important to me. So being friends with someone who only had new friends probably wasn’t going to work for me. And believing that her pattern was going to change was ridiculous. Because not only do people change less than I’d like to believe, but she believed her patterns were working for her. She had no reason to change. And she certainly wasn’t going to change because I wanted her to.

Luckily I got fed up before things got too messy. I admit it, I lost my cool. I don’t yell easily. Not unless you are very very close and few people fit into that category. Close enough for me to yell at is very rare unless we share DNA or our lives are intertwined. If we’re related, I have very little problem yelling. Okay, but that’s a different topic.

So, I yelled and I walked away from the relationship. Too late I recognized crazy and I don’t do crazy anymore. And then to top it off two people told me that they knew Tracy was crazy and had never liked her. WHAT?!? And then two more people told me they weren’t surprised and I should let go of my guilt for yelling. I’d apologized to Tracy. I’d walked away. It was over. WHAT?!?!

Now, I think I’m a pretty good judge of people. I think I’m good at reading people. Part of my job is being able to judge and assess. And somehow I’d ignored everything I was being shown. So I licked my wounds and I assessed where I’d gone wrong and I questioned me and although I’d let go of the relationship I couldn’t forgive myself. Was I such a bad judge of character? I felt I’d been tricked when really I just hadn’t listened.

Finally, months later I got a phone call. A mutual acquaintance who had had the exact same experience with Tracy called to tell me and shared that while she was sorry it had happened to me hearing about my experience with Tracy had helped her to let go of her experience with Tracy. Well, I guess that’s something. I’d known about her experience, but I hadn’t heard it in that way. See, cause I’d heard it from crazy Tracy and she hadn’t told the whole story. But the mutual friend could tell me details of her experience and they mirrored parts of my experience that I hadn’t told anyone. Holy Shit!

So, I was able to let it go. I was able to say to myself, you know what? This is not about me at all. She’s stuck in her own repetitve patterns, but I don’t have to be. I can learn from this experience and move on.

So, I did. I stayed away from crazy. I moved forward. I let it go and moved on. Or so I thought.

Then the universe smacked me again. I’m still not sure why the universe wants me to learn this so badly. It’s probably mirroring my own behavior in some way I don’t want to look at too closely.

This time I didn’t have to look for patterns or hidden messages or anything. This friend literally told me. Shannon literally told me that she wasn’t doing what she said she’d do. Apologized for it and then turned around and did it again. And I let her. I believed her every time she told me it was going to change. Every time I was hopeful. Every time I thought I was being helpful and understanding and a good friend and every time I ended up making excuses for her. I felt bad for her. She was struggling and I thought she just needed understanding. Ha!

And again I proabably should have recognized that she wasn’t going to change because she had no reason to change. It was working for her. She could tell me anything, I’d believe her and then she could behave however she wanted. There was no accountability.

Again, I didn’t listen. Shannon told me and I didn’t listen. I wasn’t the only place in her life she was dropping the ball. I wasn’t the only person she was letting down and I wasn’t the only person she took for granted.

I didn’t hear it, I didn’t see it, I didn’t do anything about it. Until I did. Finally, I wouldn’t let her do it to me anymore. And I was nice about it. I protected myself from her behavior. I made provisions so I wouldn’t get stuck cleaning up after her again. I created reasonable boundaries. (A rare thing for me, but I did it.) But this time when I wouldn’t let her start down the path to her excuses she wanted to talk. Oh, shit.

Cause I knew what that meant. I have kids. They only want to talk when they want to negotiate. And Shannon was no exception. I stuck to my guns though. I felt I’d been understanding long enough and I needed some boundaries. And I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t need to hash it all out. I didn’t need to worry about who was at fault or who did what. I just wanted to move on. I have my own stuff and finally I was being a little selfish with my time and energy. Someone who continually disappoints me doesn’t deserve a lot of my time. Wow, more boundaries.

As soon as I had boundaries, though, she disengaged. She made excuses about why my boundaries didn’t work for her. She wanted me to recognize that I had created this situation by setting boundaries. I actually laughed at that. Because here’s the thing about boundaries. If people are acting honorably they will respect your boundaries. They will accept who you are and they will respect you for having boundaries. The other people? They’ll argue, cajole, belittle, whine, yell and blame.

Eventually we did talk. She needed to know why I felt the way that I did. She wanted me to tell her what she wanted to hear and when I didn’t respond the way she wanted me to she was angry. She was accusatory and full of blame. Except for where her own behavior was concerned. When she asked me why I hadn’t told her how I was feeling I told her that since she was apologizing for her behavior I didn’t feel the need to point it out. I thought it was obvious. And around and around it went. And she was frustrated because I wouldn’t give her the answers she wanted. I didn’t have them in me. I didn’t feel the way she wanted me to feel. And she couldn’t accept that. She couldn’t accept Melissa. She wanted me to behave in a way unnatural to me and in a way that I wasn’t willing to behave. And so it ended.

And I’m okay with that. I don’t do crazy anymore, remember? I had to remind myself of that quite a bit as the conversation played over and over in my head.

So, the lesson has been learned. People tell you who they are. The growth is that I can fully accept it and not judge myself, but just take a look at my part and be okay with it. And I think that’s real growth for me. I don’t have to think of all the ways I could have done things differently or how I should have handled it. I handled it honestly and authentically. I was Melissa through and through. I didn’t dwell, plot or plan. I wasn’t manipulative or dishonest. I dealt with every aspect of it as it came up and I have a clean conscience.

So here’s to hoping that I’ve really truly learned the lesson. I know who I am. I can only be Melissa. I can only do things the way that I know how to do them. I’m okay with that. The people in my life who are okay with it too are keepers.

Now, the trick is to just listen when other people tell me who they are.

This I know, part I

I’m starting to see one of the great benefits of blogging. Tomorrow I may not think it’s a benefit, but for today I think the accountability is awesome.

Today is my birthday. My 42nd birthday. Today I start my 43rd year. Usually the week or so leading up to my birthday is a week of introspection and planning. This last week wasn’t. I’m not actually sure why, but I have a tiny inkling.

This week I was too busy living my life to plan my life. AND I’m doing some spiritual work that has me constantly aware of where I am and where I’m going. I did wake up this morning with that desire to get the year in shape, though. I think your birthday is really the New Year. My year starts every year on June 23rd. That’s when I make my resolutions and reflect on the past year and although the time frame is different, I guess this year is not an exception.

So, before opening this page I checked back to see if I blogged for my birthday last year. Sure enough. The Sacred New Year was certainly my voice, but was so different in it’s thinking than where I am today that I had to read it twice. Wow! What a difference a year makes. And how great to have that level of accountability. To tell anyone who wanted to hear it what I planned and then to know that today people are going to read about whether I followed thru.

So a quick update.

My dream of having a place where holistic healers can work and practice together came to fruition. Breathe Holistic Life Center opened it’s doors in October of 2010. Within a few short months I realized I’d made a mistake both in the business I shared my space with and in my choice of spaces. Again, I aimed too low. I rented a one room space that really wasn’t me. The partenership of shared space soured and I was once again reminded of how sometimes I’m not a good judge of character and how I need to listen to my gut more. In Feburary we moved to 1407 Mass Street, a multi-room, light airy WARM space that feels so good it makes me smile everytime I open the door and almost makes me want to cry other times. Everyone who walks in (including a Feng Shui specialist) comments on how wonderful it feels there. The Practice Room is where I spend most of my time teaching yoga and I rent out to other teachers. Slowly that group is growing and I have a great group of women teaching a variety of classes.  I call one of the additional rooms The Healing Room where an energy healer and a massage therapist work their magic.  I am so blessed to have these women in my life. The other room is the Meditation/Classroom which we all gravitate to for potlucks and movie nights and I rent out for workshops and classes.

Professionally, I am living my dream. I’m taking the small steps and growing  little by little. I have resisted my urge to jump in 24/7 and wasn’t disappointed when the doors weren’t opening in a constant whirlwind the second week. I am working with some very talented, wise and fun women, which make me one happy, lucky woman.

I am that woman that I always wanted to be. I live my passion.

Last year I wrote about letting go of my marriage.  It was a hard year in so many ways. We had to forage a new way of relating to each other and that’s still a work in progress. I had to watch the changes affect my kids in both good and bad ways. I had to accept responsibility for ripping their world apart. And I brought a new person into their lives.

I started dating fairly soon after my marriage ended. I met J through mutual friends, so technically we knew each other for a few years before we started dating. I wasn’t looking for anyone, but she showed up and she was the perfect person for me.

Yes, She.

Dating a woman has been a wonderous, exciting, inspiring, crazy journey. I am truly where I’m supposed to be. J is funny, smart, accomplished and sexy. She loves me and with her I feel loved. I’ve never known a deep connection like I have with her. There are trials and tribulations to dating a woman that I hadn’t envisioned.

People now care who I sleep with. Well, some people. Suddenly, my love life is political. It’s so weird, but I refuse to be anything other than me. I’m lucky enough to live in an open, accepting town in the middle of the Midwest. I feel comfortable holding J’s hand in public. Neither of us are excessively demonstrative in public, but I kiss her hello and goodbye on the street. Yet, I am aware that people notice. It’s SO weird that people care, cause I’m still just little old me, but suddenly I’m more than that. Suddenly I’m a LESBIAN and I must have opinions and experiences or I’m wayward and going to hell. Or maybe I’m just lost, but I knew that already.

The hormonal surges and dips are almost comical. There’s a week or two each month that either be terrifically fun or keeps us both working longer hours. It’s just not something I ever thought about before.

J is always open to discussing and analyzing. Sometimes she just wants to let it go, but as a woman she has more patience for it than any man I’ve ever been with. She understands and honors the need in me and can be really patient while I’m verballing mulling over the same situation yet again. And becuase of that patience I’ve learned to do it less. I’m still introspective, but I don’t think things to death anymore.

And fairly late in life I’ve had the experience of Coming Out to people. It’s a very interesting process. I don’t worry, but I am aware that it changes what people think of me. The people I surround myself with are lovely, open, accepting people. I don’t feel judged, but somehow I think I’m different to some of them. And I’m still just me. It’s okay, becuase I’ve learned that what other people think of me is none of my business. 

Regardless of what anything thinks I’m happy. I’m so terribly happy it’s scary. And there’s that fear thing that I still haven’t mastered. My fear is always centered around what I’m not getting or what I might lose. It’s a silly thing to be fearful of. Don’t get me wrong it hasn’t been all wine and roses, in fact, just a few months ago it was looking dicey. Every single day J teaches me something about myself. This current leg of the trip has taught me not to sweat the small stuff. That happiness requires a few sacrifices and sometimes it’s okay not to hash out every single look, tone and issue. Sometimes it’s okay to forgive, without the other person knowing you’re doing it.

This year my mother was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease.  It scared me. It scared me bad. Cause I’m not done with this relationship. I have much to learn, much closure to gain and much love still. And I didn’t know that until she told me she was sick. Not many people know we’re going through this, but today seems to be a day to be transparent. My Mom is sick and I will likely get what she has and so will my daughter. But she was lucky and they caught it early and this year it won’t kill her. And today I know that I need to take care of myself. And my daughter is young enough that she may never be affected, but we’re both wiser today than we were last year. And that knowledge is power. We three can do things to protect our health. And it’s a constant reminder that all we have is today. And we have each other for today.

Many of you know that this Mother/Daughter relationship in which I’m the daughter hasn’t been easy for me. Hell, neither of them have been easy, whether I’m the mother or the daughter. But as the years go by this one does find some ease, whereas I’m going to have to wait a bit longer for the other one. But this little wake-up call couldn’t have come at a better time. I have time and that’s a gift that I will not let go to waste.

Years ago when I was in my 20s I vowed that I would never wake up one day and regret my lfe. Today I still feel strongly about that sentiment. I haven’t done anything perfectly, but I’ve done my best. Even when I really fucked up, I was doing my best. It’s taken me a few years to accept that, but I’m here. I’m still here.

I don’t know that I’m wiser, smarter or more together than I was last year. But here’s what I know.

I know Melissa. I used to think I lost her. Then when I got closer to knowing her I realized she was never lost, I just stopped listening to her. Today I know that I can never stop listening to her. Being Melissa makes me strong, powerful, successful and awesome. Melissa rocks.

I know that I will never know what I want to be when I grow-up because it always changes. Life changes. This too shall pass refers to the good times and the bad times. Sometimes I still catch myself dreaming of running a B&B in Hawaii. And then I stop myself and say What?!?! You’ve worked so hard this year to be just where you are, WHY would you want different? And all I know is that maybe I will run a B&B in Hawaii one day. I will always want change, cause that’s who I am and I no longer limit myself with my negative thinking. I just smile and say maybe someday.

I know that today I am in love. I am in love with J, with my kids, L & G, with Lawrence, Kansas, the people who’ve helped me grow this year and with life.

I know that I’m going to continue to make mistakes and those mistakes help me learn, help me grow and help me be wonderfully me. Today being me is better than okay. Being me is the best place to be.