I knew that authenticity had to be a cornerstone. I could not be the best Me if I wasn’t focusing on who me was. So I creathed the Authenticity and Wholeness workshop. And that served me well,  but there was still a disconnect.

I heard Janet Atw00d talk about passion. And I got fired up. Cause I thought Passion, that makes sense. You can’t be authentic for the sake of authenticity. There has to be a reason, a payoff. Passion was the reason to be authentic. When I get real, I get what I want in life.

I heard Brene Brown talk about authenticity, wholeheartedness and connection. It all made sense. I got her book, The Gift Of Imperfection. I was excited and yet, I felt like something was missing.

It was. They were intellectualizing. And that’s not a bad place to start, but I felt that for what they were sharing to work in my life it had to be about what I think about, what I feel and how I feel. It had to be about body, mind and spirit. If it did not connect in that way for me it was just going to be another theory. It was going to end up in the back of my mind and not be the guiding forvce to help me be the best Melissa I can be.

So, I took what I’d learned about authenticity, I read, I researched and I listened about Passion and took what I knew about the mat kind of yoga practice, about what I’d learned in Unity about wisualization, growing intention and attention. I got on the mat and I got quiet. I wrote and journald, practiced and meditated and I put together Passion Yoga Workshop.

And we got clear about what we wanted and we talked about how to incorporate those desires into our lives as our lives stood now.  I knew that this had to be immediate. We couldn’t wait to heave our best lives until we lost 20 pounds or when the kids were grown. So we talked about What Can I Do Today that changes my life. What Can I Do Today that brings me more happiness, more passion, more balance and more joy.

And I walked away feeling pretty good. But I still felt there was something  missing. And I was struggling with it in my own life so it was pretty easy to pinpoint. Okay, so I’m clear about what I want. Okay, so I’m bringing aspects of my perfect life into my present life. Okay,  so what? Cause now my marriage is falling apart and my mom has cancer and my bank account is empty, so now what?

And I knew that I needeed to focus on what was really driving me every single day. And I needed to develop ways to keep myself motivated. I needed to have a network of support, a cadre of roadmaps to keep me on track because face it, life gets in the way of our living sometimes.

So I created Passion Yoga Workshop II. And I was fired up and excited and crazy happy. And I wanted to shout from the rooftops. I wanted to share and travel and learn and lecture and write.

And then I got scared. I got really scared and I stopped being excited and just was scared. And I had health problems and relationship problems and crises of faith issues.

And I was a living example of WHY we need passion  and I knew that I had to step forward, belive in my own worthiness and belonging. I had to believe in my right to live authentically, wholely and passionately and do what was driving me. Cause if I didn’t, well I don’t know what was going to happen to me, but I also knew I didn’t want to find out.

So today it isn’t perfect, but there is a lot of progress. Today I wake up with a sense of purpose and I know that when I wake up feeling lost or scared, it’s time for me to get on the mat and then if it still don’t feel like jumping in my car and following my dream, then it’s time to call someone who reminds me who Melissa is. 

So this year is very exciting for me. This is the year that I step back from teaching the regular classes so much and teach more workshops, cause they are truly my passion. I actually have a regular paycheck, cause it’s been a looong time. I teach specialty classes. I travel and write. This is the year the Melissa isn’t afraid of being Melissa.

Next post Five Tips to Stay Inspired

We all know that right? We know that no matter how hard we try to hold on to right now, it’s going to slip through our fingers and then the change will occur almost like we weren’t watching.

I felt this so acutely when my firstborn was a baby. I’d finally understand what she wanted, where she was coming from, what that cry meant. I’d be self-satisfied for about six hours and then she’d do something amazing like rollover, smile or pick up her pacifier and then it was a new game.

And that’s how parenting has been for the last 15 years. Every single time I think I get it, something changes. There’s progress or she learns how to throw a tantrum or she finally learns to stop whining.

But here’s what parenting taught me. It taught me in very real, every day ways, that life is full of change. And I never, not once, got mad at my daughter for learning to walk. I never discouraged my son from his first words. I welcomed the change. I was grateful for it. I recognized that things were occuring as they were supposed to. Sometimes I even awaited those changes eagerly. They assured me that my children were normal, that the natural order of development was in place.

Why then, why oh why, do I resist it in so many other areas of my life? Why do I resist the natural order? Every time I think that I’ve got a handle on life, that I understand my purpose, that I think I can put it on cruise control something shifts. And it’s not all bad. But it’s almost always hard.

The universe always gives me a way to work on accepting change. And instead of thinking of it as change I’ve begun to think of it as the new normal. My friend Linda used this phrase a lot when her mom was diagnosed with dementia. The new normal gives me a way of letting go of the past and not lamenting the change. It gives me a way to happily anticipate what the world offers instead of resisting.

Last week I had a car accident, not so great. But I got x-rays which showed that my neck is fine. Great. Because I’d been really worried about some pain and was resigned to having something major that I needed to take care of. Turns out that I’m mismanaging my stress and it’s manifesting in major pain. Not so great, but great because I can change that. I also got x-rays on my wrist and thumb. And I have a sprain. That’s okay because it will go away and I’ll be fine. No lasting damage. I also found out I have mild arthritis in my thumb. Not so great because it means the pain I’ve been feeling for the better part of a year, that I’ve been telling myself is getting better and will go away, is not going away and will someday get worse, and will someday possibly stop me from practicing and teaching yoga. Okay, maybe I’m being a little dramatic because people in wheelchairs teach yoga. But it’s the new normal. And I’m having trouble accepting it.

But here’s how this development fits into the rest of my life perfectly. For a few months now I’ve been wanting to cut back on my week to week classes and focus on special events and workshops. I’ve yearned to write more, but I’ve always been shy about my writing and wasn’t sure what direction that was going to take.

So before the accident a series of wonderful things happened that asked me to accept change.. A friend asked me to work on her book with her.  And then a friend asked me to volunteer to teach writing for women in recovery. And then I got wonderful feedback about my teaching. I was excited, invigorated and inspired. I was also scared because I just couldn’t figure out how to make it all fit. I couldn’t face the affirmations I was getting from the universe so I spent a little bit of time freaking out. But not for long because BAM, I got rear-ended and the universe gave me something else to think about.

When I step back from the details and look at the big picture I remember to work on acceptance. I remember that acceptance means respecting myself and those around me. I remember that I’m right where I’m supposed to be and all the people around me are right where they’re supposed to be.

I’m learning to smile the moment I wake up and ask the universe, “Ok, what’s today got for me.”

I know that I’m my own biggest obstacle. I know that if I can step away from perfectionism I’d probably be a lot happier. I would have a new level of peace. A quieter brain could actually accomplish a lot more. And it’s not like I don’t try. This brain has meditated, been medicated, been through therapy, been through support groups. I’ve tried. I really have. And when I’m really really honest with myself, I remember that I don’t do half bad.

My brain is okay. For me. I sleep through the night, think through my decisions, don’t indulge in too much denial, can think my way through a crossword puzzle, am not overly judgmental, am nice, am smart, can be charming, read a lot, know when not to think too much. I’m doing okay. But as we all do, I still criticize myself. I don’t even think I criticize more than most of us, but I do recognize that sometimes the level of criticism is not what I want to have the life that I want.

So I work on it. A lot.

But recently I had a completely different experience with that phrase. And because of that experience I’ve noticed how much people use that phrase as an excuse. I’m doing my best is not supposed to justify dropping the ball. I’m doing my best is not an excuse. If you’re saying I’m doing my best to get off the hook there’s a problem.

I had a friend, we’ll call her Tara, who would tell me she’d be at dinner with the group, not call, not show and apologize lamely. Never really apologizing.  She’d say she’d show up  at 10, but not really be there till 11:30, with no explanation and looking like she just rolled out of bed. Unfortunately, our friendship turned into a professional relationship. And I know, that was my biggest mistake. But I erroneously assumed that her personal issues wouldn’t leak into her professional life. Because she’s a business owner too and I trusted that she would have professional integrity. 

And we finally talked about it and I told her I wasn’t comfortable doing business with her anymore, she tearfully told me she was doing her best. And I thought, that’s nice, but it doesn’t really matter. Now, I didn’t say that, but I wanted to. I wanted to say you’re best isn’t acceptable. At least not to me.

It sounds harsh and I’ve avoided saying things like that most of my life, but the reality is sometimes your best is not good enough. And in this particular circumstance I felt that I’d waited around for her long enough, made enough excuses for her and been disappointed enough. When she would apologize I’d assume it meant that the behavior wouldn’t repeat itself so I said it was okay. I’d say we all have tough days. Or I understand. Because I do. I understand how hard life can be at times and she seemed to have it very hard. But she apologized and repeated the behaviors over and over and I just had to step away from it.

Rather than acepting that she’d behaved badly, understanding that she’d been hurtful and neglectful of our relationship, she got angry. She attacked and told me all the things that I’d done wrong. And I didn’t deny any of them. I accepted my part and waited for her to accept her part, But she didn’t. She just said I’m doing my best.  And she said it over and over. As if saying it enough would make me change my mind.  As if doing her best made it okay.

It doesn’t. Doing your best doesn’t make it okay. Sometimes I have to recogize that my best isn’t enough. I have to accept that I need new skills or better tools to make my best acceptable. Sometimes it’s just more time. I’m not ready for a new challenge. And so I work on myself. A lot.

I don’t expect other people to do the work I do. I don’t expect other people to be like me. I don’t even judge. I don’t make assessments of who people are based on my experience. I know about my experience and that’s all I know. But I also know that based on my experience I don’t have to accept bad behavior because it’s someone’s best. And I don’t expect other people to accept my best when it’s not up to par.

One of the toughest things I’ve done in life is accept myself the way I am. I struggle with it and work on it all the time. The second toughest thing is accepting other people the way they are. And the third is recognizing that while I accept who they are, I don’t have to accept them in my life.

Cause I’m doing my best, and that’s hard enough by itself.