What Goes Up…

Well, I was so proud of myself for handling that tough week well. And then I had another tough week and while I held it together I didn’t exactly do it gracefully.

Honestly, I think it was the culmination of three or four weeks of stress and worry. With dangerous weather, a dying friend, car troubles and financial woes I only had so much in me.

I’m reminded of when my daughter was in preschool. She’d have a perfectly wonderful day until I showed up to take her home. All I had to do was walk in the room. That was it. The floodgates would open and she’d be a whiny, clingy, mess. I could barely put her down to gather her things and the teachers would reassure me that she’d had a wonderful happy day. Indeed, when I read her report sheet for the day she did have a good day.

Finally, one seasoned teacher explained to me that she had worked so hard to keep it together during the day, to be pleasant and share, not to throw tantrums and not cry when she didn’t get her way that as soon as she saw me she felt relief and could let it all go. So when I arrived all the day’s exasperations came out.

And I think that’s what happened to me this week. I worked so hard to keep it together for so many weeks. I kept it together and didn’t allow myself to waiver. I smiled at the funeral, I didn’t scream when a client canceled last minute, I let go of my need for the kids to go back to school NOW and I didn’t cry when the repair bill for the car came to more than I had in the bank. Finally something had to give.

But unlike my daughter I still had people to take care of and work to finish and while the massage was wonderful I needed more. I needed a Caribbean cruise not just an hour with soothing music and scented oil.

So this week I smiled a little less and I still got through. I learned a lot. I learned a little about my limits AND I learned that I’m really not doing a good job of taking care of myself. My taking care of myself has involved calming myself just enough to go back to take care of my family. It’s not taking care of myself so that I’m shiny happy people.

So while I’m filling my well I have to avoid the pitfall of so many women. I need to do it for me. I need to do things because I WANT to and maybe because I need to, but certainly not because it will help me handle my family better. That is a by-product, not the intention. I am the intention.

So all that said, head over to DrDing and watch the video that finally made me smile deep down for the first time all week. I still wanted to cry, but it was a different kind of cry. This video put things into perspective for me. It reminded me that we will see the sun again and that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

Motivation

Today I’m having trouble feeling motivated.

I’m tired and a little low. I think it’s that we haven’t seen the sun in a while and the weird weather gave me a killer headache yesterday that left me fuzzy all day. I can’t seem to find exactly what I want to eat and I’m not sleeping so great.

So this morning when I was journaling I started thinking about how hard it is to stay motivated. I think the biggest obstacle for most of us is the feeling that we have to be moving, moving, moving forward constantly. And it just ain’t true.

I used to have a mentor who said that if you’re not moving forward you’re moving backwards. I’ve been saying this a lot lately and I’ll say it here. That’s crap.

Perhaps that’s why she’s not my mentor anymore.

It’s perfectly okay to sit and be still and be present with my feelings of apathy and frustration. By sitting with those feelings I learn a little about my motivations and about who I am. If I’m constantly moving I can’t be sure I’m actually moving in the right direction. So I say sit.

Don’t wallow in it. Well, not always. But just be present and aware. If I can get in touch with the feelings I can start to change them. I can see where they come from and work on avoiding the things that get me there.

But I think the biggest part of accepting stillness is knowing that I can pick up right where I left off and keep moving forward. Just because I missed the gym for a day or two or even a week or two doesn’t mean everything is ruined. Same for eating healthy. A slice of chocolate cake doesn’t ruin my health….or a slice of pizza and a slice of cake….whatever it is, however long you indulge in the junk food binge doesn’t make any difference. You just get back to the healthier choices and continue on.

I don’t know where I picked up the idea that if I didn’t do everything perfectly I might as well just give up.

Filling my well (read back if you need to), also means that I accept myself and love myself regardless of the progress I make in any area. It’s knowing that I’m human and that I can move forward or side to side or even back and it’s all okay. It’s about learning lessons and knowing myself. Backwards is sometimes the best way to get where you’re going.

So today I cut myself a little slack. I allow myself to be tired and a little low and I take care of that by allowing myself to nap, to relax and to just be me in the moment perfect as I am.