Monthly Archives: January 2009

Just fine.

Well, I’ve sat here and stared at this page for quite a while  now. I’m overwhelmed by it’s potential. Isn’t that always the case for the blank page? But this one has a bigger potential because usually the blank page is in my journal or is about something I’ve researched or know a lot about. Those don’t make me stare blankly nor are they hard to start. 

People have suggested that I write a blog for awhile now. It never seemed my thing. I mean, I love to talk-about myself, about the weather, about whatever pops into my head. However, spewing to the unknown is terrifying.

And perhaps therein lies the problem. The unknown. Isn’t it a killer? I can do headstands, handstands and twist myself into a pretzel. I can cook like nobody’s business and have even been paid for a number of years to do so. I can change a diaper, while singing Itsy-Bitsy Spider, yelling at my tween, cooking dinner and chatting on the computer. I’m a pretty competent person, yet ask me to do something unfamiliar or different and I freeze. You wouldn’t think it of me. I teach stangers, often touching them in intimate ways guiding them and helping them open to their pain or their greatness. My life is about being open and raw and yet ask me to be new and I freak.

Last night I had a dream. I used to have anxiety dreams a lot. I’ve been naked, toothless, lost in tunnels, spoken gobbly-gook to which people smiled and walked away. I’ve been chased by college dorm mates and laughed at by pointing classmates. Last night was such an obvious anxiety dream I even said to myself while I was having it “this is one hell of an anxiety dream”. And really it wasn’t that bad, not really scary, but perhaps telling. 

In my dream I’m with people I know and some people I don’t and we’re all in a production that I thought was A Chorus Line, but looked more like Oklahoma.

Let me stop right here and say that while I went to an artsy-fartsy high school and took four years of drama with people who are more than nominally famous. I have never been on stage as anything other than a chorus member and then I often stood in the back. I’m way outside my comfort zone here. 

So- There is dancing, there is singing and there are lines. I’m wearing a yellow, flowing, long dress and I’m one of the female leads, the lesser or the two big ones. The problem is I haven’t made it to any of the rehearsals and the performance is tonight. I protest that I didn’t know about any rehearsals, but am patted on the back and told I’ll be  just fine.  So I go wandering through my dream trying to find my various dance partners, scene partners and singing partners. I don’t know anything and I’m bad at everything. I am stumbling through dance routines and don’t know a single line. And they keep patting me on the back and telling me I’ll be just fine. 

And I wake up. And there’s no revelation, there’s no Ah-ha moment, there’s just the realization that I have to pee and turn up the thermostat. 

Then I sat down at the computer and stared at this blank page. I stared for a long time and then went to play on Facebook and Twitter for a long time. I showered, fed my son, watched a little bit of Wiggles, ate hummus on toast and finally I came back and stared. And then I got it. You probably got it a while back.

I’ll be just fine.. 

I need to remember that more often. I get scared. I get lost. I feel broken and I feel alone and somehow I always get the message. I don’t know why it’s so fleeting. I don’t know why I forget so easily, but there it is again. So bring on the unknown.

I’ll be just fine.