Sad

I’ve broken the attempt at 30 in 30. First Magistra M did it and while I secretly called her a wimp,  I must have found it appealing. All she had to do was leave me a message saying she was taking a break and I just let lose and didn’t even visit WordPress for four days. It was freeing and liberating and it also made me realize how important writing has become to me.

Because writing has again become a part of my identity. Even being a published writer didn’t do it as much as this writing every single day for over 20 days. This has been a gift that i haven’t fully understood yet.

But bigger than Magistra M’s influence I shyly admit that i’ve been sad. I happens to me every so often. i just get sad. I don’t think it’s really depression. I’ve been there too, boy, have I been there. I have had a hard life. Not terrible. Lots of people have that. And not really breezy. Lots of people have that too. But somewhere in between. I know, we’re all broken. And it’s true, I believe it whole-heartedly. But I get sad.

Sometimes it will hit me unexpectedly and I’ll realize later that the date was significant or someone’s off-hand comment hit me the wrong way or a family member affected me more than I think warranted. And sometimes I’m just sad. 

This week was interesting because while i didn’t have any real insight into why I was sad, I later found out that one friend spent almost three days in bed feeling down and another went to the hospital.  And whether we’ll call that depression or not-well, let’s just not debate other people’s sadness. It was an odd week.

So, that’s where I’ve been. That’s a little bit of who i am and I’m just going to leave it at that. I don’t have great wisdom to share and I certainly wasn’t up to pouring out the sadness onto the blog pages. Let’s hope I don’t get that drunk and sad at the same time. It might be more embarrassing for you than for me. Don’t get me wrong, I respect people who can blog about it intelligently and with feeling and with a sense that it’s all leading somewhere. That’s not what I would do.

So, that’s what I know. I don’t know any  more. I don’t know what I’m doing about 30 in 30 and I don’t know for sure when I’ll be back. I hope tomorrow. I’m playing it one day at a time, though.

And at the end of the day, that’s all we can really hope for, right? To be present in this moment, to be hopeful for the next and not to promise too much.