Well, it’s been a little since I’ve written. The reasons are too many to go into, but mainly because I felt gypped by the universe and I decided not to participate in any of the things that I had previously decided were enjoyable.
Take THAT universe.
That’s how my crazy little brain works sometimes. Yes, the universe threw me a few curve balls and rather than bat them right back I decided to shrink. Sometimes I can’t seem to get my feet under me. And the reality is, it was just more of life. The job didn’t pan out, well…I got the job, but the messages I got about what they were looking for were really mixed and the pay was laughable. LAUGHABLE. So perhaps I dodged a bullet, but the universe kept throwing them at me and I couldn’t catch my breath.
So I decided to wallow. It’s not terribly attractive. It involves lots of DVDs from the library (I’ve now seen every episode of Friends season 5 twice, including the commentary, and a coupla episodes of Quincy). One night of too much wine and then too much gin. Eating like I still have the college body. And not leaving the house for two days. Well, I did make a run for frozen meals. Did I mention my family is out of town for the three day weekend?
I’m slowly working my way back to adulthood and standing on two feet. Today I got up before the alarm went off and made myself coffee. Yesterday it was too much effort so I just chugged Diet Coke from the bottle.
Here’s what I know. The universe is going to keep throwing me curve balls. It’s just the way it works. My curve balls are pretty tame compared to some. I know that the universe expected me to wallow. This time. It won’t always be so indulgent. I got the space and time I needed to do it and my family didn’t have to witness it.
I know that I’m probably supposed to be learning, because it’s not about what happens to me. It’s about what I learn from it and who I chose to be I know that if it were a good idea, that job would have been the most kick-ass job in the world. And I know that if I had chosen that situation despite knowing it wasn’t right, worked at a mediocre job making hardly any money, there would have been a lesson there too. I know that not long ago I probably would have taken that job, shrugged my shoulders and patted myself on the back for being responsible and dedicated to my family and at my resolve to make lemonade. I’m figuring it out slowly.
I know that the universe is showing me that I’m learning my worth. That I’m understanding what is right for me and what is not, rather than always making myself adapt to any situation. I know that the universe is proud of me because for once I listened to my gut. My gut said this will not be a good situation. I wish the universe could find other ways to teach me, though. Disappointment sucks.
So, I work on grace. I remember that things happen for a reason and know with my full heart that this means my new classes and relationship with the new studio are going to blossom and be full of enjoyment and satisfaction on both sides.
I gather my energy and put it into my practice, my students, my family and all the parts of my life that are right in front of me. I choose to stop worrying about what might or could happen.
I get this moment. If I treat this moment well, doing what I know is right, the next moment falls into place. And the next and the next. And it gets easier. When I choose to pick myself up off my ass, dust myself off and do what I know is right in this moment then I don’t get as many curve balls. It’s when I get distracted and lose sight, as we’re all wont to do, that the curve balls come faster.
So once again yoga has taught me, to be present, to be grateful, to be honest with myself. And slowly, if I listen to the lessons yoga might also teach me how to be happy.