The Unfilled Well

We all have cravings. We all have yens, desires and needs. Why be embarrassed? Because our society tells us to. And mostly, I think, because when we think Crave we think Food and when we think Food we think Bad. Well, not all of us. But more often than not you put the words crave and food in the same sentence we start to feel guilty.

Well, this is the year to let it go. This is the year that I not only indulge my cravings, but I ask myself What Am I Really Hungry For? This is the year that I satisfy those real cravings and let go of all the things I tell myself that I say I want because I’m too afraid to say what I really want.

Now, the thought terrifies me a bit. I’ll admit that if I really owned up to what I want I might have some sort of aneurysm. So, today this is not public information, because maybe, just maybe I can admit a few of my cravings to myself today. And if I get brave I might even share them. I know they’re there and I know they run deep. And that’s what scares me. If I admit how truly great I want to be, how wonderful I want my life to be there’s no going back. I can’t say it’s okay…I can’t sacrifice for others anymore or compromise or settle. I will be a force of nature and that means letting go of a lot of what’s in my life right now.

Change is terrifying.

During Week 52, the last week of the year, I spent a good deal of quality time really thinking about my life. I thought about my disappointments (not many) and my progress (LOTS). I tried really hard not to make any resolutions about the weight I was going to lose, the foods I was or wasn’t going to eat, the number of times I was going to exercise per week or the amount of money I was going to make. I really tried to dig deeper.

I journaled a lot. I read a lot. I read a lot of blogs. I read about real-life yoga, not just yoga on the mat. Because yoga on the mat is great. It feels good and it’s fun and it’s fun to go to class, but the real lessons in yoga are about what you learn on the mat about yourself and how to apply it to your life off the mat. And it’s not that mat yoga isn’t real, it’s just that that time is special. You may grunt, sweat, groan and pray that it’s over soon, but it is your life in suspension. For just that 90 minutes you don’t have to think about your marriage, career, kids or aging parents. There are no bills on the mat, no crappy neighbors, no chocolate cake and no overflowing inbox. It’s just you and the mat. So, really it’s just you. It’s about what you feel, think, do, become aware of and focus on. That’s a rare gift. 90 minutes just to be you.

But it’s terrifying.

Because really just being me is scary. I’m not bad. I’m human. I’m flawed like everyone else, but that doesn’t scare me. In fact, I’m very comfortable with being flawed. But that’s the problem. Perhaps I’m too comfortable.  Being human is scary because by being human I am limitless. i have power and strength and I can do absolutely anything I decide to do.

A few days before Christmas I received a horoscope that hit it on the head. Unfortunately I erased it, but it said something like …You’ve been giving everything to others, Dear Cancer, and now it’s time to fill your well. It’s time to focus on yourself and take care of your deepest desires.

Ha! And my husband says horoscopes are nonsense.

So that’s my resolution. 2010 is the year to fill my well. It’s going to take a little more soul-searching to figure out exactly what that means. I have some ideas. But more shall be revealed. And maybe I’ll be gutsy enough to share them. Don’t get me wrong. I do have goals for 2010. There is more weight I need to lose to step completely away from the threat of diabetes and there are professional milestones I’d like to reach. But those are goals that I’ll achieve and move on from. A resolution is something that I will adopt into my life. So this I promise to myself. Never again will my well be empty. First I fill myself and then I give to others.

It’s an adventure of sorts. Perhaps we can take it together.

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2 responses to “The Unfilled Well

  1. Rock on! I’m filling my well with vegetables and legumes, but it’s a start. I’m glad you’re posting again!

  2. Amen, sister!

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