Well, I was so proud of myself for handling that tough week well. And then I had another tough week and while I held it together I didn’t exactly do it gracefully.
Honestly, I think it was the culmination of three or four weeks of stress and worry. With dangerous weather, a dying friend, car troubles and financial woes I only had so much in me.
I’m reminded of when my daughter was in preschool. She’d have a perfectly wonderful day until I showed up to take her home. All I had to do was walk in the room. That was it. The floodgates would open and she’d be a whiny, clingy, mess. I could barely put her down to gather her things and the teachers would reassure me that she’d had a wonderful happy day. Indeed, when I read her report sheet for the day she did have a good day.
Finally, one seasoned teacher explained to me that she had worked so hard to keep it together during the day, to be pleasant and share, not to throw tantrums and not cry when she didn’t get her way that as soon as she saw me she felt relief and could let it all go. So when I arrived all the day’s exasperations came out.
And I think that’s what happened to me this week. I worked so hard to keep it together for so many weeks. I kept it together and didn’t allow myself to waiver. I smiled at the funeral, I didn’t scream when a client canceled last minute, I let go of my need for the kids to go back to school NOW and I didn’t cry when the repair bill for the car came to more than I had in the bank. Finally something had to give.
But unlike my daughter I still had people to take care of and work to finish and while the massage was wonderful I needed more. I needed a Caribbean cruise not just an hour with soothing music and scented oil.
So this week I smiled a little less and I still got through. I learned a lot. I learned a little about my limits AND I learned that I’m really not doing a good job of taking care of myself. My taking care of myself has involved calming myself just enough to go back to take care of my family. It’s not taking care of myself so that I’m shiny happy people.
So while I’m filling my well I have to avoid the pitfall of so many women. I need to do it for me. I need to do things because I WANT to and maybe because I need to, but certainly not because it will help me handle my family better. That is a by-product, not the intention. I am the intention.
So all that said, head over to DrDing and watch the video that finally made me smile deep down for the first time all week. I still wanted to cry, but it was a different kind of cry. This video put things into perspective for me. It reminded me that we will see the sun again and that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.