Some people believe I spend too much time thinking and planning for my birthday. And they may be right, but I doubt it. As I’ve gotten older birthdays are less a time of intense partying and more about introspection, and yes, celebrating.
Birthdays, for me now are about letting go of the past year and setting my sights on the next. It’s my New Year. Birthdays are sacred. Leading up to the day is a quiet time, a time to scope out dreams, hopes and desires. It is when I start planning, when I start thinking about what I really want the next year to be like and how I’d like my life to change. I am a stong air dosha, Vata, I always want change.
Last year was a long year of tough, sometimes frustrating, personal work. It was a year of letting go, of being brutally honest with myself and of accepting reality. Reality isn’t always my best friend and this year was the hardest since perhaps my teenage years.
I learned to trust a bit more. I’d love to say I’m trusting, but my heart still gets hurt easily and I still worry quite a bit. I’m not the worrier I was, but it’s still there. I learned to trust both the universe and myself.
I FINALLY learned some patience. I learned I don’t always have to react. I don’t have to Know right now. Everything happens in it’s own time and at it’s own pace and if the universe sees fit to reveal little by little, then that’s ok with me too. See, there’s that trust thing again. And again I’ll say I may not be perfect at it, but I’m certainly not looking for more lessons in patience.
And, like I’ve done in the past, I’ve found myself again only to find I was never really lost. I was down there hidden under all the drama, trauma and hurt emotions. Deep down, beyond the chaos the chores, jobs and responsibility there was a little voice asking to be let out and this year I finally listened. I put things into place that will permanently change my life. After years of teaching women to take care of themselves and make themselves the most important person in their lives I decided to do the same.
So last year I laid the groundwork. This is the year of action. Last year I wrote a lot about how it was my time to shine and the desire was so strong, but there was so much hidden work to be done. I had a lot of fear. I was mired in indecision because I was so scared of not being the person who takes care of everything. Even when I would say I’m not going to take care of everyone, I sill did it.
I recognized truths in myself that I was unable to five years ago or even 12 months ago. I am a person who needs intense introspection. I need to meditate, discuss and mull things over. I need to do so and take the action in my own time. I’ve had relationships in the past where the other person was exasperated by this side of me. And that is why those relationships are in the past. I’m a thinker. I cogitate and I don’t believe in distracting myself with busyness. This, too, has frustrated people in my past.
When I was a child, hurting and reeling from my dysfunctional life I was told not to think about it-to do other things so it wouldn’t bother me. Somehow I knew the craziness of that kind of thinking. I knew that for me, I would only heal and move on by being aware and figuring it out. And then a few years ago I joined a support group that honored that introspective nature and also taught me how to take action. I started with baby steps, taking little tiny actions and my life got better. Noticeably better. And last year I arrived at the realization that I had been in denial about some major truths and most disappointingly I had been denying Melissa.
This year I let go of my marriage. First I let it set sail and didn’t know if it would come back or what would happen to it. I left it to the universe to take care of. It has shifted and changed and became apparent to both of us that it really wasn’t a marriage anymore. We’re great friends, awesome parents, but no longer husband and wife. It’s a change, it’s not an ending. He will always be a part of me and now it’s just shifting.
This year I accept all the different parts of myself and realize that anyone who can’t, doesn’t get to get very close to me. Because now I’ve learned to put myself first. The action part still needs some work, but I now know it’s better to be alone than to deny who I really am
That’s a very scary statement for me, but after months of work I know in my heart I really believe it. And I’m not alone. I’m working on a new relationship, which is scary, but fun and exciting. And fast, before you think it, I know it’s fast..
So this is the year that I take action and encourage action. I look to my practice to make me settle back into that space that is me. To connect. To feel solid and free. Discovering yoga saved my life. Literally. I have never known a place that lets me be me and teaches me to be even better at it. Yoga consistently challenges me to be the best me. Yoga knows me and loves me and is the best tool I have to make my life how I want it to be. Yoga is my passion and my passion is yoga.
With that in mind I focus on my passion. I learn to take action from what I’ve learned this year and what I know from the practice. Action. I take action.