It’s in the air, in my heart and in our lives. It’s a dirty word and the most welcome word of all. Change. Change, change, change. Love it.
The changes are huge and deep and full and scary and happy and crazy and exciting. There’s a deep part of me that loves and craves change. I’ve tried to keep it under control because I really think it’s a negative in my life. Craving change for me is like craving chaos. I come from a dysfunctional family where change and chaos was the norm. I come from a family where no planned play dates, dinner or vacations. It was all up in the air until the last minute. Chaos ran our lives.
Sometimes I fear change. I like to believe I can control it. I parcel it out in little doses. I want my kids to stay little just a bit longer, my marriage to last because it’s comfortable, my life to coast along. And then I realize how much I hate coasting and I start to crave the change.
Change has always been times of immense growth for me. Although it sounds like I may leave fingernail marks in the asphalt, once I actually admit that I need change or I see it coming over the horizon I usually embrace it and run with it. 2010 has been a year of great change.
I’ve let go of my marriage. It’s been a long time coming and I think we’ve both sighed a huge, deep, hot sigh of relief. We’re great friends, we’re great co-parents, but we’re lousy married people. We’ve beaten the marriage to death and so at the beginning of the year we finally buried it. Well, perhaps we just pulled the plug. Since we’re still officially married we won’t have a funeral for a while.
I’m in a new relationship. I can’t even talk about it too much because it’s so new and I’m so happy and also so scared that I started a new relationship too early and it might ruin it. Enough,.
I’m opening my own studio. In a few months I will be teaching my own classes in my own space. Now, I’ve been teaching my classes, but more like a freelancer. I’ve rented space here, borrowed space there. Now it will be mine and even better the connecting space will be with a massage therapist and good friend. So I won’t be completely alone, but I will be autonomous. The dream of Breathe Holistic Life Center is becoming a reality and my mind is whirring a million miles a minute and my heart is full and I’m crazy happy.
I don’t like full-time with my kids anymore. This is the hardest and most shocking change of all. It alters who I think I am. I’ve donated the last 14 years of my life to being a primary care giver to my kids….who am I now? And in some secret way that I hate to admit, living ten minutes away may be the thing that saves my relationship with my daughter. I see my kids everyday and talk to them on the phone in between. Sometimes they sleep over, but it’s new and it’s scary and I’ve tried not to impose rules on them or change their lives too much so the sleepovers are random. I miss them hourly, but am also sometimes relieved. It’s a hard, tough subject that makes me feel like I’ve failed as a person and also makes me grateful for the time I spend with them. Daily I remind myself that this is not permanent and may change next week. Things are happening as they are supposed to and perhaps it’s only to give me perspective. There will be more to this chapter of the story.
I’m learning lots of crazy good things from all this change. I’m meditating, journaling, practicing, praying and reading like a crazy woman to be in this moment, learn the lessons, grow, expand, open and deepen. This time, I am intensely aware that I get to choose. I choose the path, the journey, the scenes and the restaurant too. All my kvetching has actually made me exceedingly sick of myself. I’m tired of the bitching, whining, complaining. Really, I’m tired of holding myself back. I’m tired of all my internal dialogue that tells me I can’t, or I have to wait, or not yet. I think I’m out of excuses.
Today, I embrace the change. I embrace the natural order. I passionately believe that the universe conspires for my best good. I have been my own worst enemy. I have been in my way more than my parents or husband. I have been hiding in the shadows. And now, whether I like it or not the change has begun and I’m buckled up and ready to go.