It’s a miracle really. It’s miraculous that I have a blog and people still seem to show up and read and occasionally even comment.
Again I’ve had a dry spell and again I have a really good reason. But this time it’s, I’m happy to say, entirely different. THIS time it’s not because I’m too overwhelmed to move or because I’ve had two weeks of headaches/backaches/heartaches. THIS time I decided to do something different and THIS time it’s because life is happening so fast I can’t always catch my breath.
Believe me, it’s a welcome change.
For at least two years I’ve been given feedback that tells me I’m my own worst enemy. And for at least five years I’ve known exactly how my body reacts to my stress levels and the lifestyle I’ve chosen. It ain’t good.
I finally got so uncomfortable that I changed. And I changed big. I changed most everything. I still struggle with bad days and bad moods, but life is completely different than it was five years ago.
I am learning that I’m amazing. I’m learning that to move forward in the ways that I have is a Heruclean feat. I used to think that any tiny step forward was silly and didn’t amount to anything. Now I know that they all those tiny steps add up to so much.
And that’s all it takes. It just takes one tiny step today. And another tomorrow. And by the end of the week you’re so excited and invested in your life changing that you start taking two tiny steps in a day. At least, that’s what happened for me. But it took me a long time and a lot of hindsight to understand that’s what happened.
And I won’t lie. I have huge slips sometimes. I have PTSD, so there are weeks at a time that are a struggle for me. There are weeks when I’m terrified to do anything, weeks where I have headaches and nausea. Weeks where I just want someone to go everywhere with me and weeks where I don’t want to get out of bed. The anxiety for me is the worst. It makes me scared of myself sometimes.
But here’s the change. Now I may have one of those weeks and the next week I move on. I keep plugging along. And now I may have one of those weeks, but it doesn’t disrupt the forward momentum. Sure, it slows down, but it still moves forward. Even if all I can do is what’s right in front of me and I can’t think about any kind of future, like class planning or marketing, that’s okay.
And that’s pretty amazing. That’s pretty awesome from the woman who sometimes only interacted with her husband and a two year-old all day. Pretty great from a woman who lost contact with so many friends because she was scared. (I managed to reconnect with all those people and then some.)
And it’s pretty amazing that I can sit here and write about my biggest fear and know that it’s okay to reveal myself and be open and flawed and broken. I know that this is perhaps the biggest step I’ve taken in a long long time.
So the biggest obstacle that I’m working on overcoming is myself. I’ve been bent and broken and twisted and looped. I didn’t want anyone else to know. I worked so hard, so long at pretending. I was taught well how to pretend. My big A-ha moment and reason for getting out of my own way wasn’t realizing I’m broken. We’re All Broken. It was realizing how strong, awesome and wonderful I am.
I feel like I blog this every other month, but honestly, I forget. I forget until I sit back and see all the results from my hard work. And it’s been awhile since I remembered how I used to be and how I am now. It’s been awhile since I patted myself on the back.
This week my biggest, longest dream came true. This week Breathe Holistic Life Center became a reality. I am no longer a yoga therapist driving all over the city to teach. I now am the Director. I teach, because I will never give that up, but I’m now able to support other holistic healers and practitioners.
It’s been years and years coming. It’s been frustrating, exciting and, of course, terrifying. But it’s finally here! And I’m just going to get out of my own way and enjoy it.