Over the last few months I’ve gotten serious about the dream. Last year I would have told you that my dream was only ever going to be a dream. The walls were too high, the distance too great. I just couldn’t fathom how I could have the life I wanted, be the person I wanted. If you read the blog back then I had a lot of yearning, a lot of big dreams and I could talk a good talk. I just wasn’t putting one foot in front of the other. I wanted it so badly, but was sure that the fact that I was stuck in my unhappiness proved that I really wasn’t worthy.
The reality? I wasn’t doing what I really needed to do. I was dreaming. I was thinking right (with a lot self-doubt mixed in), I wasn’t taking action though. So what was the turning point?
I read a lot. I listened to motivational cds. I read a lot. And something clicked somewhere, somehow. Finally one day I must have said to myself why the hell not?
Oh, I remember when it was. It started June of 2009. On a retreat with my beloved college friends that get together once a year I heard myself talk. You’ve heard me talk about them and how dear they are to me. They shall hereforto be referred to as the PTAs.
Anyway, our first year together when we were really just getting to know each other again, I heard myself complain about my situation. I heard myself paint a picture of me as the lost victim. And perhaps in some ways I was a bit of a victim, but wow I certainly seemed to enjoy the position. In 2009 I cried and whined and even though I knew what the answer was I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I had to take responsibility for my own life and make choices or at least take responsibility for not making choices.
Cause really I wasn’t making terrible choices. I just wasn’t making choices. I was letting life decide things for me. And it sucked. And I told everyone how much it sucked.
In 2010 when we got together again I’d made some changes. Some big changes. And the PTAs were amazed and surprised and a few nodded at me proudly. They’d known what changes I’d needed to make, but had waited for me to figure it out. And here they were celebrating my success. They were happy for me and the world felt wide open.
After I meet with the PTAs each year I have a greater sense of who I could be and where I could be going. It’s a yearly check-in with people who don’t see me day to day so we do a lot of catching up. We have to recount a lot of our year. Our last weekend together helped me see that I’d taken some steps in the right direction, but to be truly happy I had a ways to go.
And somewhere after June 2011 I think I just said, Why Not? Why The Hell Not? Why not trust the universe? Why not do some of the things that everyone says I should try doing. Some of those things I was teaching, but not practicing.
Because what did I have to lose? I’m not proud that this was my thinking. I’m not proud that the only reason I tried to fix my life was because I couldn’t think of a reason not to.
And to be honest, the decision wasn’t a true decision. It was a let’s just see what happens and if it goes well we can try some more. I don’t suggest it.
So here’s my life today. I keep telling anyone who will listen what the dream is today. I recently taught a Passion Yoga Workshop and I taught poses to help students connect with the deepest desires and I told my story and I taught what I’ve learned from my teachers, what I’ve read and what I listened to. I told my story and I told my dream. And I wasn’t a victim. I was a woman with a rich tapestry of experiences, a lot of knowledge and a bit of inspiration.
Since that workshop I’ve received wonderful feedback from the participants. They heard me and responded to me and have taken steps in their own lives to live more passionately. And that is all I’ve ever wanted. I’ve wanted to help people. And in a tiny way I did. And since that day of telling secret parts of myself the universe opened for me.
In the last week the power of telling my story and sharing my dream has started to pay off-well…in the cosmic sense.
In one week I taught the workshop that I’d been dreaming of teaching for over a year, the space that I’d been dreaming about became available, classes started picking up again after the holiday slump, students I hadn’t seen in awhile re-commited to yoga, my sign was done and ready to be installed, and potential new teachers contacted me to teach at the studio.
Wow, wow and more wow. It was just mind-blowing and a little overwhelming. Okay, a lot overwhelming.
I got overwhelmed and a little immobile for a day or two. I’m learning to pat myself on the back and say, That’s Okay. Cause it is. So few things really need to be taken care of THIS MINUTE. I took a few days and digested how my world was expanding and changing. I took a little bit of time to be quiet and decide on the next step. And how smart was that? I didn’t really choose it, but it was the best thing I could have done.
Cause this is really what I learned. I learned that not only am I the dreamweaver, but I’m the driver of the dream. I get to decide the progress and the speed. It’s okay to take it slowly and it’s certainly okay to go one step at a time. I don’t have to act on every opportunity or respond to every request.
So today the universe has asked me to slow down a bit. Yesterday we were practically in a white-out. We could barely see the houses across the street for all the snow. This city hasn’t plowed our street yet and the truck doesn’t really make it up the hill outside our house without using half a tank of gas. The sound of spinning wheels and that hot smell makes me a bit nervous and gives me a headache. So I’m inside on the computer, catching up on reading and weighing my options. I’ve been told to stay in and stay warm and so I’m using this time to be a bit quiet.
And, really, this is the dream. I have always wanted to be able to take snow days. I’ve always wanted to be able to have whole days to just work on what I want without feeling that there are twelve things I’m behind on. When I believe that everything is happening as it should then I get to just relax into these cold blistery days without guilt or panic.
The dream is multi-faceted and this, too, is the dream.