I’m starting to see one of the great benefits of blogging. Tomorrow I may not think it’s a benefit, but for today I think the accountability is awesome.
Today is my birthday. My 42nd birthday. Today I start my 43rd year. Usually the week or so leading up to my birthday is a week of introspection and planning. This last week wasn’t. I’m not actually sure why, but I have a tiny inkling.
This week I was too busy living my life to plan my life. AND I’m doing some spiritual work that has me constantly aware of where I am and where I’m going. I did wake up this morning with that desire to get the year in shape, though. I think your birthday is really the New Year. My year starts every year on June 23rd. That’s when I make my resolutions and reflect on the past year and although the time frame is different, I guess this year is not an exception.
So, before opening this page I checked back to see if I blogged for my birthday last year. Sure enough. The Sacred New Year was certainly my voice, but was so different in it’s thinking than where I am today that I had to read it twice. Wow! What a difference a year makes. And how great to have that level of accountability. To tell anyone who wanted to hear it what I planned and then to know that today people are going to read about whether I followed thru.
So a quick update.
My dream of having a place where holistic healers can work and practice together came to fruition. Breathe Holistic Life Center opened it’s doors in October of 2010. Within a few short months I realized I’d made a mistake both in the business I shared my space with and in my choice of spaces. Again, I aimed too low. I rented a one room space that really wasn’t me. The partenership of shared space soured and I was once again reminded of how sometimes I’m not a good judge of character and how I need to listen to my gut more. In Feburary we moved to 1407 Mass Street, a multi-room, light airy WARM space that feels so good it makes me smile everytime I open the door and almost makes me want to cry other times. Everyone who walks in (including a Feng Shui specialist) comments on how wonderful it feels there. The Practice Room is where I spend most of my time teaching yoga and I rent out to other teachers. Slowly that group is growing and I have a great group of women teaching a variety of classes. I call one of the additional rooms The Healing Room where an energy healer and a massage therapist work their magic. I am so blessed to have these women in my life. The other room is the Meditation/Classroom which we all gravitate to for potlucks and movie nights and I rent out for workshops and classes.
Professionally, I am living my dream. I’m taking the small steps and growing little by little. I have resisted my urge to jump in 24/7 and wasn’t disappointed when the doors weren’t opening in a constant whirlwind the second week. I am working with some very talented, wise and fun women, which make me one happy, lucky woman.
I am that woman that I always wanted to be. I live my passion.
Last year I wrote about letting go of my marriage. It was a hard year in so many ways. We had to forage a new way of relating to each other and that’s still a work in progress. I had to watch the changes affect my kids in both good and bad ways. I had to accept responsibility for ripping their world apart. And I brought a new person into their lives.
I started dating fairly soon after my marriage ended. I met J through mutual friends, so technically we knew each other for a few years before we started dating. I wasn’t looking for anyone, but she showed up and she was the perfect person for me.
Dating a woman has been a wonderous, exciting, inspiring, crazy journey. I am truly where I’m supposed to be. J is funny, smart, accomplished and sexy. She loves me and with her I feel loved. I’ve never known a deep connection like I have with her. There are trials and tribulations to dating a woman that I hadn’t envisioned.
People now care who I sleep with. Well, some people. Suddenly, my love life is political. It’s so weird, but I refuse to be anything other than me. I’m lucky enough to live in an open, accepting town in the middle of the Midwest. I feel comfortable holding J’s hand in public. Neither of us are excessively demonstrative in public, but I kiss her hello and goodbye on the street. Yet, I am aware that people notice. It’s SO weird that people care, cause I’m still just little old me, but suddenly I’m more than that. Suddenly I’m a LESBIAN and I must have opinions and experiences or I’m wayward and going to hell. Or maybe I’m just lost, but I knew that already.
The hormonal surges and dips are almost comical. There’s a week or two each month that either be terrifically fun or keeps us both working longer hours. It’s just not something I ever thought about before.
J is always open to discussing and analyzing. Sometimes she just wants to let it go, but as a woman she has more patience for it than any man I’ve ever been with. She understands and honors the need in me and can be really patient while I’m verballing mulling over the same situation yet again. And becuase of that patience I’ve learned to do it less. I’m still introspective, but I don’t think things to death anymore.
And fairly late in life I’ve had the experience of Coming Out to people. It’s a very interesting process. I don’t worry, but I am aware that it changes what people think of me. The people I surround myself with are lovely, open, accepting people. I don’t feel judged, but somehow I think I’m different to some of them. And I’m still just me. It’s okay, becuase I’ve learned that what other people think of me is none of my business.
Regardless of what anything thinks I’m happy. I’m so terribly happy it’s scary. And there’s that fear thing that I still haven’t mastered. My fear is always centered around what I’m not getting or what I might lose. It’s a silly thing to be fearful of. Don’t get me wrong it hasn’t been all wine and roses, in fact, just a few months ago it was looking dicey. Every single day J teaches me something about myself. This current leg of the trip has taught me not to sweat the small stuff. That happiness requires a few sacrifices and sometimes it’s okay not to hash out every single look, tone and issue. Sometimes it’s okay to forgive, without the other person knowing you’re doing it.
This year my mother was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease. It scared me. It scared me bad. Cause I’m not done with this relationship. I have much to learn, much closure to gain and much love still. And I didn’t know that until she told me she was sick. Not many people know we’re going through this, but today seems to be a day to be transparent. My Mom is sick and I will likely get what she has and so will my daughter. But she was lucky and they caught it early and this year it won’t kill her. And today I know that I need to take care of myself. And my daughter is young enough that she may never be affected, but we’re both wiser today than we were last year. And that knowledge is power. We three can do things to protect our health. And it’s a constant reminder that all we have is today. And we have each other for today.
Many of you know that this Mother/Daughter relationship in which I’m the daughter hasn’t been easy for me. Hell, neither of them have been easy, whether I’m the mother or the daughter. But as the years go by this one does find some ease, whereas I’m going to have to wait a bit longer for the other one. But this little wake-up call couldn’t have come at a better time. I have time and that’s a gift that I will not let go to waste.
Years ago when I was in my 20s I vowed that I would never wake up one day and regret my lfe. Today I still feel strongly about that sentiment. I haven’t done anything perfectly, but I’ve done my best. Even when I really fucked up, I was doing my best. It’s taken me a few years to accept that, but I’m here. I’m still here.
I don’t know that I’m wiser, smarter or more together than I was last year. But here’s what I know.
I know Melissa. I used to think I lost her. Then when I got closer to knowing her I realized she was never lost, I just stopped listening to her. Today I know that I can never stop listening to her. Being Melissa makes me strong, powerful, successful and awesome. Melissa rocks.
I know that I will never know what I want to be when I grow-up because it always changes. Life changes. This too shall pass refers to the good times and the bad times. Sometimes I still catch myself dreaming of running a B&B in Hawaii. And then I stop myself and say What?!?! You’ve worked so hard this year to be just where you are, WHY would you want different? And all I know is that maybe I will run a B&B in Hawaii one day. I will always want change, cause that’s who I am and I no longer limit myself with my negative thinking. I just smile and say maybe someday.
I know that today I am in love. I am in love with J, with my kids, L & G, with Lawrence, Kansas, the people who’ve helped me grow this year and with life.
I know that I’m going to continue to make mistakes and those mistakes help me learn, help me grow and help me be wonderfully me. Today being me is better than okay. Being me is the best place to be.